20130726-084410.jpg
A series named in tribute to Bell Hooks. Love is a subject that is often discussed in the most trivial and superficial terms. Love, as a subject matter, especially from a Black perspective, hardly ever includes discussions regarding the nature of love, the function of love, the purpose of love, or the relevance of love. All we ever talk about is how we want it, have it, never had it, or keep losing it. We are right to see lack of love as a concern; we just have to choose the right angle for exploring solutions. Here is where that happens.
The Story

In a lot of my recent discussions with people regarding relationships the subject of insecurities and baggage has come up more frequently. These two terms have become code words thrown around to devalue a person’s worthiness to be dated, involved in a relationship, and ultimately loved. But I submit to you that this is not only disrespectful but an offense to the lover.

Insecurity

If there is a person on this planet who has not, at some point in their life, held an insecurity to please speak up and show the rest of us mortals the secret. Insecurities are natural. They are the result of our inner selves trying to reconcile with the contradictions of the world around us. When the world is telling you one thing and your heart is saying the opposite, an insecurity forms. The soul is trying to decide who to believe. Therefore, it is reasonable for a person to be unsure. How they handle their insecurities or whether they allow them to poison their life is another matter entirely.

Insecurities do not have to be debilitating. They can be managed even if they aren’t eradicated. If and/or when someone reveals their insecurities to another person, it is an act of trust that is betrayed if misjudged. Instead the two people should be able to relate to one another (as the other person probably has insecurities of their own) and support one another in their efforts to manage their insecurities and heal from the damage it has caused.

20130929-094816.jpg

Baggage

Relationships are always life changing. They are meant to be. When a person falls in love, they are forever changed. However, when things go wrong or someone is hurt, that too changes them.

It is not uncommon for a lover to have wounds healed and unhealed from their previous relationships. It is not unnatural for a person to be changed by the things they have experienced. In fact, that is just how it should be. This notion that we all can walk around as perfected creatures is a ridiculous delusion. A delusion most supported by those who have little to no experience with the joys and pains of true love.

What we call baggage is really just experience. And experience is how we learn. The person with baggage is not the person to run from. They are not the ones to fear getting involved with. In truth, it is those people who are able to constantly engage intimately with others and remain unchanged that should be feared: they’re sociopathological. Those people are the ones most likely to have an incapacity to love. No one understands love better than the broken hearted.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

The Problem

The problem is that we approach love like a job interview. We want people to have a spotless background full of credential and positive references. We expect them to come to us ready to impress us during their 90 day probationary period so that we can justify keeping them around and offering them benefits. Well there is a reason most people hate their jobs. It is because an employer, more often than not, sees you only as the skill or knowledge that you bring to their benefit. They don’t care about your life passions, your fears, your insecurities, or you challenges. They pay you to perform.

When we approach love and relationships in this way, we essentially turn human beings into tools to be used. And, ofcourse, when a tool fails to perform, we trash it and get another one. But people aren’t tools and they shouldn’t be disposable. To treat a person as such in a relationship will only result in a parting of the ways. Either one person will lose their usefulness or the other will tire of being used. Either way the end result is a loss of love and the relationship.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love.

– Khalil Gibran

The Point

I had my ipad for maybe a good 2 months before I dropped it and shattered the screen. For 2 weeks I tried to call around and get it fixed for free because I couldn’t see paying for a whole new one and I felt it wasn’t my fault the damn thing broke inside the case I purchased from the company that made it. When that didn’t work, I pulled it out and turned it on. It still worked perfectly. What I realized was that the screen had broken but the LCD was in tact, so it was still usable. I bought a screen cover to keep my fingers from getting cut on the cracks and went on using my ipad. Everything that’s damaged isn’t broken.

The lover having his/her own battle scars from loving will recognize the bruises of another and will have compassion. The lover will know that those pains have brought both of them to the point where they are: together. The lover will reach out for this other creature who has known love and love them in spite of the danger.

We live in a society that tells us that the self is all that matters. We are selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, and self-conscious. We are so full of ourselves that there isn’t possibly any room for anyone else. But love comes to turn our world rightside up and we have to be willing to let go of everything we think we know and learn only from love in order that we may recognize it when it comes for us. The lover will come to his/her beloved like the warrior, wounded and scarred, but with the strength of a survivor and the spirit of a conqueror.

I’m not sayin; I’m just sayin,

An Angry Black Man

Advertisements
Comments
  1. mizdoss says:

    This blog is right on time as I am embarking on a new thing. Met this awesome guy, and enjoying myself and the time we spend. This was definitely a timely interesting read! I like your twist on dating ppl with baggage. I think that the baggage isn’t the issue, but rather how it’s carried.

    Love, love, love the line “…all that is damaged isn’t broken…”

    Like always I enjoy reading your posts!!!

    Just a lil of the TRUTH

    • DesiBjorn says:

      Thanks so much for the love! Always appreciate your reading and being willing to respond.

      I just keep hearing people talk about baggage and not wanting to or dating someone with baggage and it sounds like some superficial counterproductive bullshit. So like this can’t be about baggage it’s either a cop out or misconception. So I thought I might help fix the misconception part.

      And like you stated it’s all about how the baggage is carried and if that person is prepared and willing to deal with it if it becomes problematic for the two of you building something together.

      So…you got a boo joint huh? I’m gonna offer you some advice, though you didn’t ask for none…just keep enjoying the time you guys spend, try to spend more time listening and seeing him than you do worrying whether he sees you, and when his flaws become exposed remind yourself of one of yours. I just think that dating should be about allowing a person to feel free to show you who they are and deciding if that person that they are (not who they will be or you want them to be) is someone you can love and be with…I’m not sayin; I’m just sayin. Hope it works out in your favor.

  2. Osage Dior says:

    Reblogged this on Chronicles of Osage Dior and commented:
    So full of truth and sincerity…and hope for those who have given up on love or those who are struggling with the concept…@NEEMA

Talk to me...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s